


In the Stillness of Remembering

by lovewhatyoudo



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Apologies, Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Canonical Character Death, Dream Sharing, Forgiveness, Guilt, M/M, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-17
Updated: 2019-05-17
Packaged: 2020-03-06 14:39:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18853093
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovewhatyoudo/pseuds/lovewhatyoudo
Summary: Bucky has had many sleepless nights since Tony Stark died.





	In the Stillness of Remembering

**Author's Note:**

> I got this idea when I got home from seeing Endgame because I was sad.
> 
> Title is from Dreams by Fleetwood Mac.
> 
> See end notes for a warning.

Bucky hasn’t been able to stop thinking since Tony Stark died two months ago. They haven’t even seen each other since Siberia. Bucky is incredibly thankful for Tony’s sacrifice and honestly can’t believe how selfless of an act it was. He can’t stop thinking about how horrible he made Tony’s life and how he did a terrible thing to such an incredible person. A man like him deserves so much happiness in his life and Bucky only caused him to feel sadness and grief. He will never forgive himself. 

Bucky has a long list of things that he wishes that he never did. His memories as The Winter Soldier replay in his mind all day long. Sam tells him that it’s unhealthy but Bucky can’t help it. He did so many terrible things under HYDRA’s control. Things that he will never forget and will eventually have to learn to live with. But for now, he still feels a huge amount of guilt that doesn’t seem like it will ever go away. It sits in his stomach like a rock, weighing him down and preventing him from living his life. 

Sam is sleeping peacefully to his right. It’s 5:00 in the morning and Bucky doesn’t feel like sleeping. He hasn’t felt like sleeping in a while. Sleeping has been very difficult for Bucky for a long time. It’s like he can’t let himself rest. He doesn’t want to wake up Sam with his tossing and turning, so he goes downstairs to make a cup of coffee. He will have to find a way to distract himself from his thoughts until Sam wakes up. 

Bucky and Sam moved in together shortly after saying goodbye to Steve at the lake. Neither of them wanted to be alone. They signed a lease for an apartment in Brooklyn because Bucky hasn’t been there in decades and missed it. Sam didn’t have a preference of where they lived, he just wanted Bucky to be happy. Bucky is very grateful for Sam. Having him around has made everything as good as it can be. Dating Sam is amazing and Bucky feels like he doesn’t deserve to be with someone as wonderful as him. It amused Bucky how after all that they have been through, they somehow started dating. Bucky is pretty sure that Sam hated him when they first met. 

At around 6:30, Bucky feels Sam hug him from behind as he is sitting at the kitchen table.

“Come back to bed,” Sam whispers into his ear. 

“I never got to talk to him,” Bucky tells Sam after another sleepless night. 

There have been many sleepless nights since Tony Stark died. 

“It wasn’t you, Buck. You have to know that,” Sam reminds him. This isn’t the first time Sam tells him this, and he isn’t the first person to do so either. 

“But Tony Stark didn’t know that.” 

Sam lets go of him and sits in the chair next to Bucky. Bucky notices that Sam looks tired and he wishes that Sam didn’t get out of bed to check on him. Sam still has indents from his pillow on his face, so he couldn’t have been awake for a long time. 

“Maybe he did, or maybe he didn’t. Unfortunately you can’t change the past,” Sam replies. 

Bucky likes how easy Sam is to talk to. Sam has never invalidated Bucky’s guilt from his past. Bucky thinks it’s because Sam slightly understands from being a veteran as well, even though Bucky knows they did not have similar experiences. But Sam is a good listener and demonstrates so much empathy that Bucky knows he will forever be grateful for. 

“I know,” Bucky says. He wishes that he could change the past but he knows that he can’t. 

“Come back to bed. You haven’t had a good sleep in weeks,” Sam says, and Bucky can’t say no to him. He knows that Sam is trying his best and he is very grateful. Bucky doesn’t fall back asleep, but Sam wraps his arms around him and Bucky feels safe for a few hours. 

  
  
  


Life since the funeral has been slower than expected. The hasn’t been any aliens trying to destroy the universe or anything like that. Most of the remaining Avengers split up to take a break and live their lives. They all deserved it. Even though Bucky didn’t feel like it’s been five years since the first snap, he was very exhausted and needed to relax for a while. He decided to leave Wakanda and move in with Sam now that the HYDRA programming was out of his head. Bucky liked Sam and they got along well, so it made sense that they should live together. Bucky didn’t expect from the beginning to fall in love with him, but he is happy that he did. 

Currently, Bucky and Sam are walking around Manhattan. Bucky hasn’t had much of a chance to explore the city that was his home many decades ago. Even though many of the buildings look completely different, the city still feels familiar to him. It feels good to have something familiar in his life. The two of them are walking in central park when Bucky turns to his left and notices a little boy running around wearing an Iron Man mask and gauntlet while pretending to blast one of his friends. It reminded Bucky of Tony and what he did to his parents. Sam must have noticed what Bucky was looking at because he grabbed Bucky’s right hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. 

“He should still be here,” Bucky says. It wasn’t fair that he had to sacrifice himself. It wasn’t fair that he had to sacrifice himself for someone like Bucky. Someone who has done the things that he did. 

“I know,” Sam replies softly. Bucky knows that he isn’t the only one feeling survivor’s guilt, but he has additional guilt on top of that and it’s hard for him not to think about it often. 

Bucky sighs to himself and keeps walking. Bucky wishes that he got to know Tony while he was still alive. Bucky honestly didn’t know much about him, but he admires him. Of course he admires his sacrifice, but based off of what he has heard about him he also admires his work ethic, how he cares about his friends and family (maybe a little too much), and his inventions. Bucky was a little bit of a science nerd back in the day and would have loved to have had the opportunity to ask Tony about his inventions over the years. 

But Bucky knows that Tony would have had no interest in speaking to him. He killed both of his parents and Tony had to live with his grief for the rest of his life. Bucky caused him so much pain that he knows was unforgivable. As they continue to walk through Central Park, Bucky tries to think about the good things that happened in Tony’s life after his parents’ murder, such as getting to marry the love of his life and having a daughter. Bucky tries to remind himself that Tony’s life did not only consist of pain and grief, but it’s hard for him to be optimistic about it.

“We’ve been through a lot the past few years, it will take time for us to heal from it,” Sam tells him. 

Bucky can’t wait until he can finally rest. He can’t wait until he can finally sleep through the night without any nightmares or guilt. 

Sam makes Bucky a nice dinner that night. He makes chicken parm and spaghetti, which makes Bucky smile because he has always liked Italian food and he likes spending time with his boyfriend. Bucky hopes that he isn’t too much for Sam. Lately, he has felt like Sam has been taking care of him and even though Bucky appreciates it a lot, he doesn’t want to be a burden. Bucky is familiar with taking care of someone from all of the time he spent with Steve growing up, but he hasn’t been in the opposite role that often. Luckily, Sam doesn’t seem to mind so far. 

After dinner, they watch a movie that Sam insists Bucky needs to watch. It’s called Star Wars and Sam explained how it was one of his favorite movies as a kid and that Bucky can’t live without seeing it. Bucky admits that it was a good movie, but he is even happier to experience something that brings Sam joy. 

Shortly after the end of the movie, Bucky follows Sam to their room to go to sleep. Bucky is thankful that he gets to sleep next to Sam every night. It helps to not be alone. Bucky isn’t sure if it’s because he feels safe next to his boyfriend, or if it’s because he is too tired to keep his eyes open, but he falls asleep quickly. 

Bucky isn’t sure if he’s dreaming or if he’s dead, but he finds himself in his kitchen sitting across the table from Tony Stark. It takes Bucky almost a full minute to process that the man is actually sitting in front of him. 

“Am I dead?” Bucky asks, causing the inventor sitting in front of him to laugh. 

“No, not yet anyways,” Tony says. “I don’t think we have properly met. I’m Tony Stark,” he says and sticks his hand out in front of him to shake Bucky’s hand. 

Bucky hesitantly shakes his hand with his good arm. He is kind of surprised that Tony felt real, for some reason he thought that his hand would go right through Tony’s like a ghost or something. Sam has made him watch too many horror movies. 

“Why are you in my kitchen?” Bucky questions. He is surprised that he would be here talking to him instead of someone else. 

“Your dreaming, and I was able to enter it. Nice place, by the way. Are we in Brooklyn? That’s a wonderful view you have outside your window,” Tony says as he looks around Bucky’s apartment. 

“Yeah, I live in Brooklyn,” Bucky replies. “Why are you here?”

“Ever since I died I have been able to sense when people are thinking of me, and I was surprised to see that you are one of the people that has been thinking about me the most,” Tony tells him, completely stunning Bucky. 

“Me?” Bucky asks in disbelief. 

“I know it’s hard not to think about someone with my good looks and intellect, but I still was not expecting this.”

Bucky wasn’t exactly sure what to say to the man sitting in front of him. He didn’t even understand why he would come to speak with him. Why would Bucky be worth his time? Tony knew so many people when he was alive. Tony had a family and a lot of friends that Bucky is sure he would rather speak to. 

“So do you want to talk about it or not?” Tony asks him. 

“Talk about what?” Bucky responds to try to delay talking about it. 

“That day in 1991, you know the one,” Tony says. Bucky notices that Tony doesn’t look afraid or upset. He looks like he is talking to an old friend and this makes Bucky feel overwhelmed. 

“I just wanted to apologize for what I did. I’m sorry for any pain I have caused you since then,” Bucky tells him. He can’t bring himself to look Tony in the eyes. 

“You know I don’t blame you, right?” Tony asks in response. 

This startles Bucky. It never even occurred to him that Tony wouldn’t blame him. He didn’t see how he wouldn’t considering Bucky is the man that literally murdered his parents. And Tony even had to watch him do it decades later. It’s almost too much for Bucky to handle. 

“How?” Bucky asks, but he could barely get the word out. He hears his voice crack as he says it. 

“You were just HYDRA’s weapon. It wasn’t your idea to murder my parents, you were just the means to do it. It’s not fair for you to carry this blame for the rest of your life,” Tony explains.

“But I did it,” Bucky responds. He vividly remembers the day. 

“You can’t do this to yourself. I spent a lot of my life feeling guilty about things that I have done, and now I realize that it’s more important to live your life in the moment instead of thinking about the past. It wasn’t your fault, Bucky,” Tony says. 

In the back of his mind, Bucky knows that Tony is right. What he said is similar to what Sam has said to him as well. Bucky has tried to let go of his past many times. Staying in Wakanda has lessened how much he thinks about it, but he knows that he definitely has some work to do. It’s hard to forget about the past with a past like his. 

“I’m so sorry,” Bucky says, trying to hold back the tear that is forming in his eye. 

“It’s okay Bucky, you can rest now.” Tony gives Bucky a soft grin, and then Bucky’s surroundings begin to fade. 

Bucky wakes up quickly and sits up while gasping for air. It wasn’t uncommon for him to do this in the middle of the night due to nightmares, but this was not a nightmare. 

“Are you okay?” Sam asks from beside him. 

Sam wraps one of his arms around Bucky and pulls him closer to his chest. Bucky can feel his heart rate and breathing slow down. 

“I’m okay,” Bucky responds truthfully. Sam kisses Bucky on the cheek and then closes his eyes to fall back asleep. 

For the first time in years, Bucky falls asleep peacefully. He knows it will still take time for him to accept all that he has been through, but for now he feels like he can rest.

**Author's Note:**

> I tagged major character death for Tony's death, even though he died before the beginning of this fic. I just wanted to be safe. 
> 
> This is my first time writing Bucky/Sam! Let me know if you like it with comments or kudos, I'd really appreciate it :).
> 
> Follow me on tumblr! [lovewhatyoudooo](https://lovewhatyoudooo.tumblr.com)


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